Wakri Namaaz...(Prayer of a different Kind)

Its not always that we have our prayers answered by the almighty. I believe there always is and will be someone right beside us to do so, whether they be sent by the heavens or not is a totally different story, & on which I may just touch upon later.

An idea on which I ponder now, a part of which has been derived from my very early experiences and as a result of deep introspect. People who go onto become my (I use the self referral since I want to avoid debate by generalizing :) ) very close friends and with whom I end up sharing a great camaraderie aren't always the people I relate to initially. Their views and ideas, sometimes radical, sometimes irrational, seem to detest me, which is weird because I hardly know them to judge them or feel otherwise.

With my own weirdness and irrationalities, I judge them, only to be proven wrong more than half the time but the rest half which I am proven right, makes me strongly addicted to it, haha, preconceived notions still winning!.

Unable to do away with my presuppositions I still end up with some very amazing people by my side, those who may not often share my views but open my mind to very different horizons, the points where I can look beyond what I see. The power of their minds enlightens mine, their greatness and flaws encourage me to find my own, their sorrows teach me how to feel and their sensibilities make understand the intricacies of human emotions. Who was I to judge them? for they stand much stronger in front of me, now that I know them.

They are my friends, those who opened up to me despite their own subtle hindrances, of which I may be so blind to and equally unaware of. They accepted me with my flaws never demanding the same favor in return, indeed they are the great ones and I in shadows of my meager judgments couldn't see the light of their aura. But accepting this I move onto a path called life where I am often guided by the supreme and held onto by these greats he has created. And I oblige myself by thinking, they are just for me.

While I try and make myself rise up to their levels, I pray, knowing very well that I may never equal these earthly supremes. They are my prayers answered and I pray to them, they are my namaaz, my prayer of a different kind....

Dreamhost sale

Longing....

I wish you could see,

The deep inside of me,

I wish you would hear,

My inner voices, my subtle fears,

I wish you would know,

Why my heart's as cold as snow...

There have been times when I felt lost,

Nowhere to go & tears turned to frost,

I wish you could feel,

How I loved when you made me kneel...

There would always be a song for the broken heart,

But those words don't help, they seem sour as tart,

I wish you could see,

That light inside of the hollow tree...

And when you walked away,

A soul seemed to lose its way,

In the darkness of the night,

Just a whiff and it vanished out of sight,

I wish you could see,

How sometimes even the shadows flee...

The winters set in,

And it felt so cold,

"I am not worth you",

So I was told,

Life seems so vintage,

And love - a mere act on stage,

I wish you could see,

How some plays suddenly become emotion free...

I walked ahead a few miles more,

In search of a newer life,

Skeptic, dreamy, blank & not knowing,

What further life has in store,

But then I found someone, whom I had long ignored,

That was me, the unexplored,

I wish you could see,

What your love meant to me,

We both are happy,

May be you a little less,

It's a pinch with a subtle hurt,

It's a wound we'll always caress,

But what is done is done,

I hope you have a life of happiness and fun,

And just that I wish you could see,

How I'd always love thee...

Black and White

It’s been awfully long since I wrote something. Feels like the block may have lasted for a decade and still hovering about the horizon, ready to cast its spell whenever it can.
This post has no preconceived plans or emotions which I wish to convey, its just my way of forcing myself to introspect a life which I very conveniently live and overlook; Overlooking some of the very nuances of its beauty and subtle human emotions.

Over a past couple of months there have been waves of ideas and feelings that have swept me, compelling me to write. Then, the "block" casts its spell by the evening and I return into my shell curbing the ideas just like paper in a shredder.
Having learnt a few valuable lessons, I find myself a little wiser than before but more often than not succumb to the meagre less important thoughts. May be that’s how this mind works, often controlled by the emotions from the heart; impractical yet very reasonable to the clueless mind.

This same clueless being shuns and desires a lot of things at the same time. No reasoning seems valid when it comes to yearning and no conjecture seems to stand its ground when it comes to renouncing. Unique are its ways..and of life itself.

An insight into its working can be boggling 'cause it won't allow even you, your own self to enter into the deep hidden recesses of the underlying secrets. It knows and fears the idea of revelations and begins the "shredding" locking away process. May be that’s why an idea dissolves faster when you begin penning it down. The mind is working and we don't even come to know. Ah! and the world is saved of an idea, which, if would have crept out, could have led to massive destruction. Sigh.

Still in awe of this thought process I can see that clutter hovering again like a black cloud..and oh! my thoughts begin to diminish..as I fail to write.. till next time..

I shall be back :)

The workaholic

Too near yet too far seems the future from where I sit right now. Yes I own that corner cubicle and yes I love that wooden odor emanating from the four feet partition walls.
You'd find me there sitting and in a deeply concentrating mode, with eyes sort of embedded into the computer screen. I look funny..yes I do. But that's how I work. I love being called "the coder", gratifies my soul with food it's been longing for years...
Sometimes when i see that advertisement, where they say what would you remember some years from now, the corner office...the something something,a very dark reality stares me right in my face. Something that work takes away from you, and then this excessive need to "reclaim my life" starts pushing me.
No longer does this guy get his soul food from his work. He wishes to be free. Can't.
Goes back with drooling eyes and again lost in his code trying to debug it make it perfect. Yes, perfect, i seek near perfection in my code. At least something can be made perfect, i know life cant.
Its working!!!, my code, a feat i celebrate in my constantly pushing mind. No one else would realize it,a mere code..hah!
It makes me dream, and am scared turning into a computer myself. I request them not to shut me down..Oh!..thank god.Kinda phobic.
The day nears its timely end...I can see the leaves rustling in the heavy wind...a bit of cloud cover..better rush before it pours.The once romantic droplets don't seem so fascinating now, something has changed, and i regret it has.
Keeping up with deadlines and sticking to routines, life itself has become a untiring loop where "the coder" serves his time.He's happy, he's sad..he's a workaholic...

..The Winters I crave for...

Looking through the window pane, the sunshine still so warm. Even the setting sun could overwhelm the eyes,and there I was dreaming....
Was it the winters of my home that I yearn for...
Was it the warmth of love that made the longing even more irresistible...
But then there is a reality, the one we face everyday,every passing moment. It makes the dreams look vague,overriding every nuance of virtual freedom that dreams provide to us.
Coming to think of it..most part of life is superficial...so unreal but still we survive..and each one of us..
The reality is in things like..a mother's love...can never be fake...its one thing am not afraid to dream...
Something just compels me to write..this is real...though certain thoughts that may come out,on the contrary,may be unreal..
Dreams can be so complete in them sometimes, one wishes the world remain forever..
The winters in my dreams..still give me shivers..that no sunlight can undo...
The November winds still shower their sweet smell...it's so good to be home...
This dream turned reality...for once...I crave for reality...though the dream can last lifetime..the reality would fade...
These winters are a food for my thoughts..they love being locked..love being exclusive..for once i let 'em out...let 'em taste the sun...let 'em feel the winter winds...
For eventually the reality would lay them to sleep...and it'll be like an eternity when they again get to feel the same virtual freedom...Ah life..n its quizzical forms...so incomprehensible...so admirable...
And I lay here...looking outside...to the winters i crave for...and to the sun that I live in..

Oh! How he wished....

He was small,always acting more than his age. He wanted to help his mom with everything, he wanted to be like her shadow.
They had a small shop,something more like a wooden canopy. He helped her with setting the temporary walled shop each morning,laying down the pieces of moulded glass,clothes,cleaning them....he was small so couldn't reach the top shelves...
Oh! how he wished he were taller.
It began to rain.He loved the rain,stepping out, letting the drops caress his face,letting them roll into his eyes,spreading his hands wide open...he wanted to play.Suddenly he was reminded of his mom working alone...he went back to the daily job...all he wanted was to help her.
Oh! how he wished he could play.
Working his small hands to get everything in place was how his day passed. He dreamt of no friends, he dreamt of no school...
The bird was so free..it could be on any branch it liked...could fly to any place it wanted. He loved even the sparrow..not its beauty..but its freedom, not that he felt bound by duties.
Oh! how he wished he could fly.
They sold beautiful clothes..he craved for none. It was as if adversities had taught him sainthood. His heart was simple. His aim was clear.
The day ended. The sales were lesser today he thought. Hope it doesn't rain tomorrow. Hope it is a sunny morning.
Oh! how he wished it would rain...
Oh! how he wished he could play...

You are Your Best Friend

I had read this piece of writeup in the newspaper today. Loved it.

After a while you learn the subtle difference,
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that, love doesn't mean leaning,
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts,
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats,
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a man,not the of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads,
On today because tomorrow's ground,
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have,
A way of falling down in mid-flight,
After a while you learn that even sunshine,
Burns if you have too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul,instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers,
And you learn that you really can endure....
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
And you learn and learn
With every person you meet or employ,you learn
With evey friend or a lover you learn
With every goodbye you learn.